Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Man w/o its Real Soul

感情: feeling a bit numb

I know I shouldn't be posting right now because I'm rushing to do my thesis but what can I do when I can't think of something to write or type? D: And I have to tell ya, today was one of the most emptiest day I've ever had in my entire life. It felt rather useless that I have to go out of the house to "go to school" when I went to the computer shop just to kill time. Why? Because I haven't done in the last 4 5 days -- probably the pessimistic side of me is taking over once again. =.=' Uninspiration and dullness is what's engulfing around me right now.

I felt like an idiot because I have to make up excuses in such situations... While I was walking awhile ago to go to the computer shop, I was like a lifeless spiritual creature who is just walking endlessly in the path of no return it's as if I don't have any destination. If not for the computer shop, I'd end up walking straight somewhere God knows where waiting  to be eaten up by my darkened conscience until my existence will be all void.

Or probably I'm just tired of what's going on with my life? But if I stop, I will literally "stop" and jail myself in one room like a mentally-retarded hermit. And I already swore to my parents that I will finish this thesis defense w/in this summer.

Okay, this may sound exaggerating and all but it's really what I'm feeling right now. It felt like a tragedy was just bestowed upon me in which the circulation of life has stopped for me. In short, this body is indeed me but who's inside this malnourished and stubborn body is not the real me. It must be the other side of "me" who dejects/withdraws all positive things inside.

I don't know if I'll be able to last mt own life if I think this way and I can't share this "confidential" issue to anyone that's why I'm expressing it here because my cyber life is the only freedom left for me as of now.

And I apologize for posting nonsense and all dramatic emoness or whatever you call it. But really what can I say, I wanted to "rest" from this strenuous life I had. I can't even feel my worth and I don't even know the roots/cause of this depression which make things a bit difficult for me. It just came to me and I'm stuck into this dark world where I don't even want to stay. D:<


  1. wow... feeling SO depressed, fred ??

    maybe you should take a break for one full day from your thesis,then go somewhere and do something fun.

    that's what i usually do to relieve from my stress =3

  2. yes dearest Yuki-chan, so depressed that I don't even know if there are other people who are experiencing this dilemma. D:

    My prof said to take it little by little or one step at a time but even though I wanted to do that, my inner self is not functioning very well. I always think of something, somewhere, etc. 10 things at a time (be it problem, pleasure, plans, things, gimmicks etc.). That's why even though I don't do something that much, I feel very tired. x__X Probably because it's my nature but that's actually my weakness. =.='

    yeah I may do that one of these days. Thanks for the tip. Maybe I should be "clearing" my mind and focus only on the thesis, no? I'll try my best not to foctus on too many things. -__-'

  3. hmm... if you said so, then...

    leave the virtual world for a while :D

    take a good rest and focus on your thesis.

    good luck =3

  4. Thanks, Yuki-chan! ^_^ Although I want to leave the virtual world, I just can't live my life w/o checking my blog, your blog, Grace's, Aibu's and some other websites I usually visit in a daily basis. XD

    But taking a rest from the thesis could be done. :P LOL!